Behind the Mask
by Nutella Swirl
Summary: Leo seems fearless, strong, brave, and always prepared... but behind the mask, he's someone else. He must be saved from his own demons before it's too late. But what if it's not just him who's struggling, and what if it takes some unexpected allies to save them? (2k12/2k3 crossover)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi! Yes, I'm back!** **I got a review a little while ago saying that maybe I should add on to "You Think You Know Me" (a poem I wrote years ago) with events that show that Leo's bros really don't know him, and I decided to take that advice to create a new story. Thanks,** ** _dragonslayer111_!**

 **This takes place in the 2k12 verse, sometime after Splinter's death.**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

"Plan, Fearless?" Raph yells to me from the other side of the room.

 _Fearless._ It's the only respectful nickname he's given me, but of course, it's the one I hate the most.

I glance over at him to see him stab yet another Kraang droid with his sais, breaking the disgusting-looking pink alien free from its robotic refuge.

I feel a droid sneaking up behind me. I hold my breath and count _3... 2... 1..._

I whip around and slice the robotic body in half, and it crashes onto the floor. _C_ _LASH!_

Looking back at Raph, Mikey, and Donnie, who are continuing to fight those darn Kraang who never seem to run out of backups, I quickly come up with a plan of action. "Defeat the rest of these Kraang, grab the communication orb, and get out of here."

The whole reason why we're here is because of Donnie. He wants a Kraang communication orb so he can contact the turtles of other dimensions, or something like that. Why he wants to do that, I'm not really sure, but I trust him.

I turn back to the swarm of Kraang heading my way. Kick, _clash_ , punch, _cl_ _ash_ , spin, c _lash, clash, clash_. Done. I straighten my stance and return my katana to where they belong, turning to my brothers who appear to have defeated their fair share of Kraang as well. Donnie runs over to the array of well-protected Kraang communication orbs at the opposite end of the room, using his naginata to pry open the encasement they're in, and carefully takes one out.

An alarm rings out.

We ignore it and flee stealthily, like the ninja we are.

* * *

Night has fallen and I sit at my desk in my room. My private diary is open to my latest entry, which happens to be today.

 _Don't get me wrong, nicknames are cool, but only to some extent. I don't mind "Leo," because "Leonardo" is too much of a mouthful sometimes, but I absolutely despise..._

 _KNOCK! KNOCK!_

My head jerks up at the merciless banging. It's Raph, obviously. Only _he_ knocks like that.

In any other normal circumstance, I would quickly shut the diary closed, put it away, and say, "Come in." But the problem with Raph is, he doesn't care.

"Hey, Fearless," he greets as he lets himself in, giving me no time to react.

"Oh- uh, hey, Raph," I answer awkwardly. I would try to hide the diary, but his emerald eyes are very... _observant_... right now, watching my every move vigilantly. I mean, I _am_ a ninja, a good one, if I do say so myself, but so is he. He'd notice that I'm trying to hide something.

So instead, I try to act natural. Problem? I'm not a very good actor.

"So, uh, what do you need?" I ask.

He doesn't answer, his eyes trailing to my desk, to the very item I don't want him to see. "What's that?"

"Oh, just a book. Nothing important," I answer, trying to dismiss it.

"About what?" Raph questions.

My mind tries to come up with a plausible lie, but I can only draw a blank. "Oh, you know, about... ninjutsu. Especially... meditation... and... that kind of stuff." I know how much he hates meditation. Maybe that will disinterest him.

"Uh-huh," Raph scoffs, obviously not believing me. He crosses his arms and looks me right in the eye. "Looks like Fearless Leader is trying to hide something. Guess he ain't so _fearless_ after all, huh?"

In any other normal circumstance, I would ignore his statement. But he's used that word too many times, and part of my mind is still back in my diary thoughts _._

 _...but I absolutely despise the nickname "Fearless Leader"..._

 _Fearless. Fearless. Fearless._

"I'm _not_ fearless!"

My shout echoes across the room, one, two, three times. Raph looks at me with some kind of shock. He didn't expect me to react that way.

It's only then I realize my teeth are clenched and my hands are balled into fists. I think I look like Raph when he's angry... but I'm not Raph.

He finally breaks the silence. "What do you mean?"

I can't answer. I look down, trying to pry my eyes off of my blue leather-bound diary, but I can't.

 _...because I'm not. I'm not fearless. If anything, I'm fearFUL. I'm so afraid that I'm going to screw up, like ACTUALLY screw up, and lose my brothers because of it..._

I don't notice Raph walking over to me, to my desk, his hands swooping in the air to grab my diary until it's too late.

"Wait! Raph! Don't!" I cry, flying off my seat and running to him. But he's faster. He jumps out of the way and begins reading out loud.

I would continue fighting for the book that holds all my confidential thoughts, but something about hearing them out loud, suspended in the air, paralyzes me.

 _Don't get me wrong, nicknames are cool, but only to some extent. I don't mind "Leo," because "Leonardo" is too much of a mouthful sometimes, but I absolutely despise_ _the nickname "Fearless Leader"_ _because I'm not. I'm not fearless. If anything, I'm fearFUL. I'm so afraid that I'm going to screw up, like ACTUALLY screw up, and lose my brothers because of it._

 _If that happened, then I would be an actual failure. Not just to my brothers, or Sensei, but to myself._

 _I would rather die than fail._

 _I know I'm being a coward. I know I should accept the fact that I'm not perfect and that even_ I _can fail. Then I can learn from my mistakes._

 _But I can't._

 _I'm too afraid._

Raph's voice gets quieter and quieter as he nears the end of the journal entry. When he does finish, he turns back to me.

Normally, it's me who stares at him straight in the eye until he's forced to turn away. But not this time. This time, it's me who turns away. I can't look at him right now.

"Leo," he whispers in a voice filled with guilt and regret, "I had no idea..."

I can feel little droplets starting to form in my eyes. Thinking those thoughts is hard enough, but hearing them aloud is even worse. Now they're _real._ Now they aren't a secret anymore. Now he _knows_. He knows how I feel.

But he's not supposed to know.

He _can't_ know. But he does.

I snatch my diary back from his hands and glare at him. "Go."

"Leo..."

"Just _GO_!"

Raph flinches, something I've never seen him do, before walking out the door.

I watch his retreating figure, the droplets in my eyes growing bigger and bigger. One slips out and falls on my diary.

 _I guess now you know how I actually feel, Raph._

Another tear falls.

 _I guess now you know that I'm not fearless._

And somehow, that means I've failed. Now he knows about one of my weaknesses, something a leader is never supposed to show.

Now he'll be afraid during missions, knowing I'm not actually fearless. Now he won't trust me as much in my plans or decisions. Now he won't look at me the same way...

Because I'm not a fearless leader.

I'm a hopeless, fearful one.

 _I never deserved to be the leader..._

* * *

 **A/N: Well, that went in a totally different direction than I expected... whoops... but I think I'm turning this into a chapter story with events like this that expose Leo's insecurities and fears.**

 **I'll probably focus mostly on Leo/Raph. Not that I don't care about Mikey and Donnie, but I feel like they have a special connection (and also, they're my favorite turtles).**

 **Anyway, what do you guys think? Feedback is always appreciated! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello! Yes, I'm back! I know it's been a while. To spare you all a long explanation: there was school - AP exams and finals - and also, there were some personal issues which I won't go into. But I've missed writing and reading all these awesome stories here, so I'm back! :D**

 **Also, before I forget - thank you all SO MUCH for your support! Your reviews always make my day and inspire me to keep writing, so keep them coming!**

 **I (still) don't own TMNT...**

* * *

It's been almost 24 hours, and Raph hasn't approached me yet.

Not that I mind.

We haven't really been talking. At dinner, while Mikey and Donnie wolfed down pizza, Raph and I just picked at our food. But no one noticed.

Thank goodness. I don't know how I'd respond to anyone if they did notice, or let them know how I actually feel. Because I'm supposed to be the leader, right? Strong. Protecting. Perfect.

 _Fearless_.

I shake the thought out of my head. I can't think about that, not now. Not here, where we're on the rooftops, patrolling. Not tonight, which is surprisingly relatively peaceful. The streets may be filled with people chatting on late-night walks and the beeps of raucous traffic, but above us is a freshly-painted masterpiece: the innumerable stars twinkling happily, extending their light to the world below.

It's beautiful.

But then I hear the not-so-discreet chuckling of my brothers. I turn around, the serenity of the night now shattered. " _Shh!_ Keep it down, guys. You never know what could be out there."

"Aw, come on, Leo, we're just having fun!" Mikey whines.

"And we haven't encountered any trouble for the past four hours," Donnie adds matter-of-factly.

"All the more reason to worry," I point out. "Our enemies could have been using this time to plot against us. We've got to keep a look out."

Donnie and Mikey groan, but Raph surprisingly takes a step forward. "But we've got you."

I blink. "What?"

He repeats, slowly this time, with his emerald green eyes staring into mine so intensely, it feels like they could drill holes into my blue ones, "We've got you. Our Fearless Leader."

 _Fearless Leader._

 _Fearless. Fearless._

 _Not now, Raphael,_ I want to beg. But Donnie and Mikey are looking at us, clearly interested as to what hidden meaning lies behind our conversation.

Instead, I answer, "So? There's nothing wrong with airing on the side of caution."

Raph shrugs indifferently. "Whatever, Fearless."

Donnie and Mikey gape at his retreating figure in shock. But they aren't the only ones.

I stare at the tails of his red mask swishing in the gentle breeze encompassing us.

 _He doesn't think I'm a failure._

 _He still thinks I'm a good leader._

 _He still has faith in me._

But what if I don't have faith in myself?

* * *

I don't feel like writing in my diary, but I have to get my thoughts sorted out somehow. After making sure my door's closed and locked, of course.

I grab my diary from on top of my desk and a blue pen from my belt and start writing.

 _I don't get it. I don't get_ anything _._

 _Why does Raph still have faith in me? I don't deserve to be leader. Sensei only made me leader because I asked first. Bullcrap. You don't make someone leader because they asked first; you make someone leader because they deserve it._

 _I don't._

 _I really don't._

 _Why does he still call me Fearless? I'm not fearless. I'm really not. If anything, every day I become more afraid. Every day I become more afraid of losing my brothers and being a failure. It's almost happened before, not just once, or twice, or thrice, but so many countless times._

 _I_ am _a failure._

 _I'm-_

 _Knock! Knock!_

The soft yet insistent rapping on the door - probably Donnie's - breaks my train of thought. I quickly put away my diary and get up to open the door. "Yes?" I say, my voice only shaking a little from surprise.

Donnie's coppery-brown eyes flicker to my desk, then back to me. "Are- are you busy?" he asks softly.

"No. Come in," I say, more confidently this time (Is it weird that I'm less nervous around Donnie than Raph?...) and step aside, letting my younger brother in. He walks with his normal, soft gait and takes a seat on my bed. Donnie's the most peaceful of all us four turtles, and everything he does shows it. The way he knocks on my door. The way he talks. The way he walks. He's just so... _soft_ and tender and gentle.

I guess, in a way, I admire that, even though violence is often necessary when you're a ninja.

I sit down next to Donnie and turn to face him. "What's up?"

Donnie hesitates. Something's bothering him - I can tell from the way he nervously twists his hands and that fact that he won't meet my gaze - but what is it?

Finally, he looks up, his eyes filled with concern. _Concern? He's worried... but why?_

"Leo," he starts, "you're a great leader, you know that?"

 _Huh?_ I wasn't expecting that. But I'm careful to mask my surprise. After a short pause, I answer, "I'm glad you think so. Thanks, Donnie."

Donnie blinks. He wasn't expecting that from me either. Looking at me in the eye, he says, "You really are fearless, Leo. Every single mission, every single fight, every single battle, you lead us with so much courage. You always help us get out alive, whether we win or not. And I think _that_ makes you a fearless leader."

 _Fearless. Fearless._

I don't know what to say. I barely realize myself saying in an almost breathless whisper, "Thanks, Donnie." I barely realize him giving me a hug - soft and gentle, like the turtle he is - and whispering, "You can always talk to me," before walking out of the room and shutting the door behind him.

I barely realize it when I get off my bed and go back to my desk, back to my diary entry of the day.

 _-I'm not fearless._

 _Every single day, I'm afraid for all our lives._

 _In so many fights, somebody gets hurt and almost dies._ _And it's always my fault. Because I'm the leader._

 _The "Fearless Leader." Ha._

 _I'm supposed to be strong, protecting, perfect, fearless._

 _But I'm not any of those things._

 _I'm not strong; I'm weak. I'm not protecting; I'm harming. I'm not perfect; I'm flawed._

 _I'm not fearless._

 _I'm fearful._

 _Always fearful._

 _I'm_ always _afraid._

I barely realize it when I shut the diary and return it to its usual hiding place, inside a hidden drawer. I barely realize it when I strip off my gear, turn off the lights, and climb into my bed, wrapping my soft blankets around me.

 _I'm sorry, Donnie, but you're wrong._

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry if that was kinda bad, my creative juices haven't flowed in a while... hopefully this summer I'll be able to get back at it!**

 **Reviews are always appreciated! If you have any ideas, don't hesitate to let me know, because I'm willing to use some! ;)**

 **Also, I tried to drop some subtle hints as to how Donnie knows how Leo's feeling... could you catch them? If not, I'll try to make it more clear next chapter.**

 **~NS**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey y'all! I was bored and felt like writing, so here's another chapter! :D**

 **Btw, I changed this to be after Splinter's death because otherwise, he'd probably notice that Leo's acting different...**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

It's night again. That's the only time I can allow myself to think in my room, anyway.

Words from Raph and Donnie bounce around in my head. Unconsciously, I reach for a pen and my diary and let my thoughts run on paper, leaving their footprints behind in the form of swirls of ink.

"We've got you. Our Fearless Leader."

"You're a great leader, you know that?"

"You really are fearless, Leo."

 _Am I_ really _,_ _though?_

 _Because every day, dark thoughts stomp in my mind, chewing out the good ones, telling me I'm a failure, I'm not good enough, I'm not fearless. And I've been believing them._

 _But whenever I really think about what Raph and Donnie tell me, a tiny part of me wakes up and says,_ Wait! That's not true! You're a good leader, good enough to lead, fearless enough to lead. Remember that time when...

 _And then I'll think about some time when I did lead good and got my brothers and I out of trouble. And I'll be calm and okay for a little while._

 _But then the dark thoughts come crashing back, conjuring up a storm in my mind. And they'll say,_ No! You are a failure. Remember that time when your poor leadership skills led to Mikey getting hurt? Or Raph getting hurt? Or Donnie getting hurt? Multiple times? Remember?! What if they got so badly hurt they _died_?! Then you'd be a _real_ failure! Wait, just kidding, you _are_ a real failure!

 _It's never fun hearing those thoughts, let me tell you that._

 _The darkness always wins, and the good voice is silenced. It's hard to bring it back._

 _Before, I never believed the good voice. But now I want it to come back, because it takes the pain away a little._

 _That's the thing: the darkness_ hurts. _Not just mentally, which hurts a lot on its own, but it also hurts physically. My head will start throbbing really badly sometimes, and it always feel like there's a knife constantly stabbing my heart. I guess that only good thing about that is so far, it hurts, but I'm still able to hide the pain. I don't want anyone else to notice._

 _It sounds like it might be depression._

 _I did some research on it (I know, it's surprising, someone other than Donnie researching stuff?! But it does happen sometimes) and found that I've been having a lot of symptoms of depression. Not sleeping well. Not eating well. Not feeling well. Isolating myself from family and friends. Repeatedly having thoughts of not being good enough, of being a failure._

 _Check, check, check, check, check._

 _Donnie probably figured that out already. And he probably figured out that words of encouragement and reminding the... victim? ...that you're always there for them helps._

 _Don't get me wrong, it helps. It does. It brings the good voice back from hiding. And I appreciate it, a lot._

 _But why isn't it working?_ _Why does the darkness always come back, ready to hurt me with more negative thoughts that are so easy to believe?_

 _Maybe it's something that takes time...?_

 _But what if it's too late?_

 _How am I ever going to be myself again? I don't even know who I am anymore. When did this happen?_ Why _did this happen?_

 _I should have seen it coming. I should have fought it off earlier before it got this bad. I should have been stronger._

 _I should have been fearless._

 _I'm a failure._

 _...See? The darkness is back._

 _I'm sorry, Raph, Donnie, Mikey, Sensei. I'm sorry. I don't know if I can-_

"...Leo?"

A soft, almost childlike whisper - Mikey - interrupts my train of thought and punctures the darkness ( _Thank you!_ ). I steadily flip the journal closed, toss the pen aside, and spin around to face the figure at the door. _Did I leave it open? ...No, I'm sure I closed it. How come I didn't hear it open?_ But now's not the time to think about that. "Hey, Mikey. Come in."

Mikey hesitantly walks inside of my room and takes a seat on my bed. A wave of familiarity washes over me as I remember Donnie doing the same thing yesterday. _Mikey's probably here to talk about the same thing, too..._

"Leo, why don't you just tell us what's wrong?"

I blink, but I don't let him see my confusion. _He knows. He knows something's up. Did Raph or Donnie tell him? Or did he just figure out on his own? Have I been acting_ that _different?_

But I don't say any of that. Instead, I ask, "What do you mean, Mikey?"

"Bro, even _I_ know something's bothering you. Raph and Donnie talked about it _all_ day! But they wouldn't tell me the deets, for _some_ reason. I'm not a genius like D, but I still know stuff! I know that you're not eating enough! Who says 'No thanks' to my delicious pepperoni jellybean pizza with extra mozzarella cheese?! You always love my cooking, so why not now?"

"Mikey-" I start to give him an excuse, but he's not done.

"And _then_ you completely flopped training today! And yesterday! And the day before that! And the day before the day before that! And the day before the day before-"

"Mikey, I get your point!"

Mikey completely ignores me and stares at me even harder than he has been already. "Dude, you couldn't even concentration in meditation today. And meditation is your thing. _Your_ thing!" He pauses. "I know you and Donnie and Raph all think I'm dumb, but I'm _not_!" He stands up and walks to me, standing right in front of my face. "Leo, I know something's wrong! I _know_ it! So why don't you just TELL US?! You don't have to HIDE it!" he exclaims, his hands up in the air.

I stare at my youngest brother in shock. It's true, he can be serious and/or sassy sometimes, but it's extremely rare.

Slowly, Mikey lets his hands down and takes a step backwards, looking away from me. It's only then I notice the tears in his eyes and that he's trembling. "Sorry, Leo," he whispers. "I didn't know- I didn't mean to yell at you-"

I reach my arms out and gently grab him, pulling him close in a hug. "It's okay," I murmur softly. "I deserved that." I feel tears form at the back of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall in front of him. Because I deserved him yelling at me, being mad at me for being so selfishly involved in my own problems...

Mikey squeezes me back tightly. "No, you didn't, bro," he says.

I feel a tear drip onto my shoulder, but it's not mine.

Wait, why's _Mikey_ crying about this? This is about _me_ , not him.

 _He's hurt because I'm hurt._

Mikey has always been the most compassionate among us four turtles. No wonder...

"I don't want you to be hurt," Mikey chokes out between sobs. "I know it hurts, bro. But you have to be strong. You- you _can_ do this, okay?" I nod, trying not to cry myself. "And you _have_ to talk to someone about this. It doesn't have to be me, but _please_ don't keep it to yourself. Hiding it hurts, bro. It _hurts._ "

I nod again, blinking back the tears that are threatening to fall more than ever, squeezing Mikey tightly. "Okay, Mikey. I'll see what I can do. For you," I whisper.

Slowly, his crying ceases and he pulls himself out of our embrace and looks me in the eye. "Leo, remember, you're never alone. You're not the only one who hides behind a mask, and I don't mean your cool blue one."

 _Wait. It's not just me? But then who-_

"Woah, it's already 12:00? You should get some sleep, bro. Good night!" Mikey says, more cheerfully than he was minutes before.

"Night," I reply quietly. Mikey leaves, but I barely notice.

 _You're not the only one who hides behind a mask._

But that means- _no._ Mikey isn't- he can't-

The tears that have been hiding in my eyes finally break loose, but I barely notice.

Mikey knows what it's like to hide behind a mask... because _he_ has been, too.

* * *

 **A/N: I guess I'm straying from my original plot line of just Leo struggling... I think I'm going to make this story about all the brothers (mostly Leo, though) and Leo realizing he's not alone; pretty much everyone has their own mask they're hiding behind.**

 **Anyway. What did you guys think of this? Leave me a review, follow, and favorite! :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello everyone! I'm back with another chapter, and guess what? There's action in it! :D I, uh, kinda changed the plot line a little because of it, haha! This thing will probably just be a side plot or something. Not completely sure for now. But I like it and it seems cool, soo... let's see how this goes!**

 **I'm also referencing the 2003 turtles in this, but I haven't watched the episodes from that in a long time. If things are a little inaccurate, that's why. But hey, this is Fanfiction, I can make things up! ;)**

 **I don't own TMNT. (But of course, you all knew that already.)**

* * *

"GUYS! COME HERE!"

Donnie's shout interrupts my meditation - well, I guess, my meditation _attempt._ I still haven't been able to focus that well, my thoughts drifting off into worries of being a failure, but also of the secrets Mikey's hiding from me.

But enough worrying. I get up and head for Donnie's lab, meeting Raph and Mikey in the hall. They look at me with questioning expressions, and I only shrug in response.

"I hope it's not an explosion," Raph grumbles.

"Nah, we would have heard it," I respond.

"But what if it was a _silent_ explosion?" Mikey suggests. "Like instead of going _KABOOM_ -" he waves his arms wildly, "-everything just sorta flew everywhere and landed quietly?" He lays his arms slowly at his sides.

Raph snorts. "They'd land as quiet as you are."

Mikey smiles, but it droops when he realizes Raph's comment is an insult. "Hey! I can be quiet! Sometimes!"

"Yeah, right," Raph says under his breath.

We've reached Donnie's lab. It's messy, with beakers and test tubes filled with strange-colored substances in them and papers filled with hurried scribbles strewn everywhere. But in the middle of the desk, where my genius brother is sitting, is the Kraang communication orb we stole a few days ago connected to his laptop. Unlike when we stole it, though, the pink circles on the orb are lit up, blinking every two seconds or so.

"What is it, Donnie?" I ask.

"The orb has sensed a ripple in the electromagnetic field! I think it's caused by a transmission of sound waves and-"

"English, Brainiac!" Raph says. He hates when Donnie talks in that scientific jargon that none of us understand, although really, the only big words he's used so far are "electromagnetic" and "transmission." Not too hard to comprehend so far, at least, not if you're not Mikey or Raph.

Donnie rolls his eyes, but there's a tinge of enthusiasm in those brown orbs. "What I mean is, I think someone's trying to communicate with us!" Donnie breathes excitedly (in clear English, to Raph's relief). He doesn't even look up, clearly intrigued in the Kraang orb.

"Ooh! Is it the other turtles?" Mikey runs to Donnie's side, trying to touch the orb, but Donnie pulls it away from him. "Hey! I just wanna see who it is!" Mikey whines.

"Mikey, you don't even know how to use this!" Donnie counters.

"Mikey, let Donnie handle the orb for now," I order, not wanting my youngest brother to accidentally cause a disaster. Turning back to my genius brother, I ask, "Can you find out who it is?"

Donnie nods and turns to his laptop, opening up a program and quickly typing something. Then a video screen pops up: it's a green turtle wearing an orange mask. His eye color is difficult to discern and only appears to be white. On the turtle's shoulder is a bright orange kitten with hazel eyes, purring softly and licking its paw clean.

Donnie, Mikey, Raph, and I are speechless. _Another Mikey?_

 _He must be from another dimension..._

"Woah!" the Mikey from the screen says. "Klunk, you naughty kitten, you found more turtles?! There's a Leo, a Donnie, a Raph, and- _woah_ , there's another _me_! Hey, other Mikey!" Our Mikey grins and waves, forgetting the fact that maybe the other Mikey can't see us. But the other Mikey beams and waves back. "Cool! You can see me too! Hey, do _you_ bother Raph as mu-"

" _MIKEY_!" The other Mikey jumps and turns behind him. A very angry looking turtle wearing a purple mask (and also with white eyes) stomps towards Mikey and glares at his brother. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY LAB?"

My brothers and I all shrink back at the shout that even we can tell is dripping with nothing but pure anger. _Wow. That Donnie sure is pissed..._

The other Mikey scratches the back of his neck nervously. "Uh, well, you see, Klunk kinda ran in there and messed with some of your weird alien tech and then this thing-" he points in our direction, "-turned on! I'm talking to other turtles! They're like us! They-"

That Donnie cuts him off and runs towards whatever Mikey was pointing at, probably an orb similar to ours. "Woah," he breathes, his mouth dropping open. "This is _insane_..."

"Actually," our Donnie says, "It isn't. The device we're using to communicate with each other is quite advance alien technology, as Mikey mentioned, and functions as a communicator not only between intergalactic worlds, but also between inhabitants of different dimensions as well."

The other Donnie's eyes widen. "No way! This is... this is..."

"Hey," the other Mikey says. "If aliens and time travel and different worlds exist, like in the Battle Nexus contest, which _I_ won, by the way," Mikey grins proudly at us, even though we have no idea what the Battle Nexus is, "then why can't other dimensions exist, either?"

"I-I suppose you're right," the other Donnie says, though he still seems a little shocked. Those turtles must have never talked to turtles from other dimensions before.

"Bros!" our Mikey suddenly yells, looking at Raph, Donnie, and I excitedly. Maybe a little to excitedly. _Uh-oh. That's never a good sign..._ "We should go to their dimension and visit them!"

I blink. " _Visit_ them? Mikey, we've barely even _talked_ to them!"

"So? We can still be friends!"

"You wanna be friends with someone you barely know? Like _that's_ ever a great idea." Raph rolls his eyes.

"Also, we'd have to go back to TCRI to access one of the portals. It would be too risky. We don't even know what portal we'd have to go to to enter their dimension," Donnie points out.

But Mikey doesn't listen to us. "So what? I want to do something other than just sitting around in training, or in patrol, waiting for something to happen, because guess what?! Nothing's happening! _Nothing!_ I want to do something _fun_ for once!"

"But Mikey, we _do_ do fun things," Donnie says. He glances at Raph and me in confusion, but neither of us have a clue as to what's going on with our youngest brother.

"Not the fun things _I_ want to do!" Mikey shouts. "I'm _tired_ of being stuck here! I wanna go _out_! I wanna talk to someone _new_! Someone who _actually_ knows that I- that I-" his face droops for a second, but he quickly covers it up. "You know what?! _I don't care what you think_! I'm going!" And with that, he dashes out of the lab, out of the lair, before any of us can stop him.

"...What was all that about?"

The three of us turn back to Donnie's laptop and see the other Mikey looking very, very confused.

But we're just as confused as he is.

"We'll explain later," I tell him. "Donnie, hang up the call. Bring the orb just in case, though." Donnie nods and does as instructed. To both of my brothers, I instruct, "Let's go after Mikey before he gets too far."

Donnie tracks down Mikey to be topside near TCRI. It seems like he's trying to find the portal and go to the other turtle's world by himself... but why? It probably has to do something with his rant in the lab. What was he trying to say?

 _What is he hiding?_

 _I'm a failure. I let my brother run away because something is bothering him, and I don't even know what it is. What kind of leader am I?_

 _What kind of_ brother _am I?_

 _They deserve better._ _They don't deserve a loser like me as a leader. As a brother._

 _I'm such a failure. How could I let him down like that?_

 _How could I let_ any _of them down like that?_

 _I don't deserve to live._

My breathing hitches. No. I don't want to think about this right now. I _can't_ think about this right now. I have a brother to worry about.

 _And whose fault is that?_

 _Mine._

No. Go away. These thoughts didn't bother me earlier. Why _now_?

"Leo? Where are you going? We're here," Donnie says.

Whew. Something to stop the thoughts. "Sorry, I- uh, zoned out," I quickly make up an excuse.

Raph raises an eyebrow, not looking convinced, but doesn't mention it. "What's the plan, Fearless?"

 _Fearless. Fearless._

 _I'm not-_

No. I push the thought away. I need to focus on Mikey.

I make a plan, and the three of us get into action immediately. We have a brother to find, after all.

* * *

We stealthily make our way through TCRI, silently knocking out the few Kraang we've encountered, before we find a room with locked up cases of different handheld Kraang technologies. But what stands out among all the cases is a case with Kraang portable portals. The lock in front of it is broken.

"Mikey must have broken that lock," I whisper. "He has to be near."

 _But where is he?_

 _And why is he that desperate to meet the other turtles?_

"Look!" Donnie points to the wall opposite of us, which has a faint pink-purple glow behind it.

"He activated the portal?!" Raph asks in disbelief. He runs out of this room to the room next to it, Donnie and me at his heels.

There, behind a fancy piece of Kraang tech I've never seen before, is Mikey, standing in front of a portal opened by a Kraang portable portal. In the surface of the portal, there's a faint image of the other Mikey and Donnie we accidentally communicated with earlier.

Mikey _is_ trying to meet the other turtles.

 _But why?!_

Mikey hears us and looks behind him, his face falling. "Oh."

"Mikey! _What were you thinking_?!" Raph hisses.

Mikey shrugs and turns forward again.

Without responding or looking back at us, he steps forward.

Into the portal.

Into the other turtles' dimension.

"NO!" Raph yells, forgetting the fact that the Kraang might hear him and find us.

"Wait!" I order, but it's too late. He dashes into the portal, his body disappearing into the swirls of pink and purple just like Mikey's had just moments before.

"Guess we're following them," I sigh. But Donnie's already walking into it as well.

I stare into the surface of the portal. Shell. I have no choice.

I walk into it, wondering just what kind of mess my brothers and I have gotten into.

 _Guess that makes me a super failure, huh?_

* * *

 **A/N: I know, I know. I completely changed the storyline. Whoops. But I think meeting with the 2003 turtles might help Leo somehow... maybe... But it might not just be him who needs the help...**

 **Usually, I can write chapters pretty quickly, but this took me a while to write. Hmm.**

 **Anyway, please please leave a review telling me what you think of this sudden twist! And don't hesitate to give feedback if you have any! :D**

 **~NS**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey guys! So I've been told the idea of a crossover seems kind of rushed, and I can see where that is coming from. I didn't think this story would end up as a crossover, but the idea popped into my head and it seemed pretty good for this story! Maybe I'll edit/rewrite the beginning chapters sometime and that will help the idea flow more nicely. But for now, I'm just going to keep writing.**

 **Anyway, here we go! The turtles (from both dimensions!) are in for an adventure...**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

I feel myself tumbling through swirls of pink and purple, wind rushing across my body, colors and shapes just mixing together like I'm in a blender-

Then it all stops.

The pink and purple have stopped swirling and the wind has stopped blowing. The colors and shapes have returned to their owners in the form of us turtles, buildings, and people that make up New York City.

We're on top of an odd, almost oval-shaped building with a curved section of bluish windows popping out in the front of it. Really weird. Maybe it's this dimension's TCRI building? But I don't have time to think as Raph's voice cuts into my thoughts.

"Mikey, what the _SHELL_ where you thinking?!" Raph walks over to our youngest brother, who looks guiltily at us.

Mikey opens his mouth to talk and probably give some excuse, but now it's Donnie who interrupts. "Yeah! What _were_ you thinking?! We just entered into a dimension with who-knows-what in it! We could get captured or killed, for all anyone knows! We don't know _ANYTHING_ about this world!"

Normally, it would be me doing the lecturing, the scolding, the coming-up-with-a-plan-right-away-now-that-we're-here-and-have-no-other-choice. But something's wrong. I can _feel_ it. Mikey's hiding something-

"Well, _I_ DO!"

Mikey's shout reverberates across the rooftops. It's only years of leadership practice that allow me to reprimand him, " _Shh_! We don't want anyone to hear us."

Then the meaning of his words sink in. He _knows_ about this world. He _knows._

 _But how? We've never been here before..._

"What do you mean, Mikey? What do you mean, you know about this world?" I ask, staring into his widening baby blue eyes. I bet he didn't mean to say that, but it's too late to go back now.

"I-" He looks down at the roof as if nothing could be more interesting than the uneven grayness under our toes. "I accidentally went here before..."

" _WHAT_?! With the communication orb I specifically told you _NOT_ to mess with?!" Donnie looks like he's about to explode any moment. _Funny, I thought only Raph could look_ that _angry..._

 _Remind me never to mess with a mad scientist._

"I-it was an accident! I didn't break anything, I swear!" Mikey pleads, holding up his hands. "And I was gone for less than two minutes! I checked the time on your clock!"

"Gone from our world or _this_ world for two minutes?" Raph questions.

Mikey fumbles with hands, fidgeting nervously. "Uh... our world... I was in this world for a few hours."

"So time passes quicker here," Donnie observes.

"That's good. Our enemies can't do much damage in that time," I say. "But we've already wasted so much time. Donnie, bring us back home." The sooner we get home, the better. If my brothers are safe and sound at home, maybe I won't feel like a failure...

Maybe I won't have to be afraid for them getting hurt or lost in an unknown world.

I can't let that happen. They're my brothers. I _have_ to protect them, no matter the cost.

 _After all, Sensei made me leader for a_ reason...

"No! I want to see them! I never met them before! Please, please, _please,_ Leo," Mikey falls to his knees and clasps his hands as he begs, "can we visit them? _Please?_ Just for a little bit?"

"It wouldn't be that bad. I could see what kind of technology and inventions my double has come up with," Donnie adds thoughtfully. "Maybe it could help us out in our dimension."

"And I want to see if _this_ Raph can kick butt. The other one couldn't even beat up a kid if he tried!" Raph mocks. Good thing _that_ Raph isn't here, or things could get messy...

"Yes! Please, Leo? _Please?_ " Mikey looks at me with his trademark puppy dog eyes. Ugh, I can never _not_ give into him...!

I sigh. "Fine! We can visit them."

"YES!" Mikey jumps up and hugs me, squeezing me so tight I can barely breathe. "Thank you, Leo! You're the best big bro ever!"

"Hey!" Donnie and Raph shout at the same time.

"Buuut," I draw out as Mikey finally releases me ( _Whew! I can breathe!_ ), "We can only stay for a few hours. We can't leave our dimension for too long. We don't know what could happen there."

Mikey looks sad for a second, but his frown quickly turns upside down. "Okay! Let's go!" Before I can say, "Wait!", he jumps off the roof and bounces off towards a manhole cover. Raph, Donnie, and I all exchange a knowing look before we quickly dash off behind him.

 _I better not lose him._

 _I can't..._

 _I can't lose any of them..._

 _I've already failed by getting us into this mess. Who knows what could happen?!_

 _I can't fail anymore..._

* * *

It turns out the turtles' lair in this world is located in the same place as our world. A connection between our dimensions, I guess.

We choose Mikey to knock on the door - it was his idea, after all - and he does so, beaming like he's never been so excited.

We hear the shuffling of footsteps, the soft scraping of the door's peephole being uncovered, a muffled but still audible "What the _SHELL_?!", lots of more shushed, muffled talking, and finally, the creak of the door opening. In the doorway stands a turtle with forest green skin wearing a red mask that covers his white eyes and a belt with two sais in it. It's the other Raphael.

For a moment none of us say anything. It's just the four of us observing him and him observing the four of us under trained, watchful eyes. Raph, Donnie, and I stay still, no problem, but next to me, I can almost feel Mikey's restless energy vibrating off his skin. He was never an expert at staying still or calm or focused.

Finally, Raph's double steps aside. "Come in," he says in a gruff voice with a thick Brooklyn accent. He's not exactly welcoming, but I guess that's Raph for you.

Mikey, Raph, and Donnie step inside, but I take a peek at the lair inside first. It's not as modern as ours and looks a little old, but it's still beautiful in it own way. Peaceful, almost.

Mikey's double is sitting on a couch, reading a comic book while an ad plays on the TV in front of him. Donnie's double is typing up something on a laptop. My double is practicing some katas, his eyes closed in focused concentration as he moves smoothly, flowingly.

It all looks so... peaceful. And in place. Like everything belongs and everything is okay.

Unlike our lair, which has been a mess ever since Sensei...

Sensei...

I close my eyes and will the thoughts away. _No. Not now._

 _I can't think about that right now._

I take a deep breath and open my eyes.

I step inside the lair, Raph's double locking the door behind me.

Hearing our footsteps, the three double turtles stop their activities and line up together, Raph's double joining them. They do it in a way so fluid it looks like they're used to it. _They probably are._

"Hi," I say, knowing that I have to give an explanation as to why my brothers and I are here (which can also stop an awkward silence from settling between us). "We're turtles from another dimension. We're here just to visit for a while and see how our worlds are alike and how they're different."

"And how do we know you're not, say, an experiment by one of our enemies?" the other Leo asks carefully. He stands in a calm, collected manner, but I can tell that if something happens, he'll grab his katanas and strike in a flash.

I fumble around in my belt and grab two things: a throwing star - it has the Hamato Clan symbol on it - and a family photograph in color. I hesitate before handing it to Leo. There's Sensei in the back center, then in the front: Raph, me, Donnie, and Mikey standing with our arms crossed. Sensei had had the photo framed and placed in the dojo, but after he... _yeah, not going to think about that right now_ , Donnie made copies of it for all of us. I keep it in my belt because t's almost like he's with us at all times but I also like it because it means my brothers are always close, too.

I realize my double is waiting and carefully hand over the two objects to him. He takes them and examines them slowly, as if they will break and shatter in his hands at any second. But after a minute, then he hands them back and nods to his brothers. "They're like us."

Turning to us, the other Leo says, "You're welcome to stay with us for a little bit if you like. Our Sensei is gone on a trip and won't be back till another week or so."

A sharp pang of grief stabs my heart at the word _Sensei._

 _Their father is still alive..._

"Why don't you come with us on a tour of our lair while you tell us how you got here?" my double offers.

"Oh! Yes! I make an _awesome_ tour guide!" Mikey's double cheers.

Meanwhile, my heart drops a little. Not just because the story of how we ended up here isn't exactly entertaining, but also because of how... _lucky_ these turtles are. They still have their father. They seem to get along like four peas in a pod.

They seem happy. And at ease. And okay.

I wish we were, too.

But we aren't.

We're... broken.

I'm _broken._ A broken mess that I don't know how to fix just yet.

And then the thoughts I've been repressing since Sensei... left... come crashing to me.

 _Because maybe if I stopped Mikey from walking into the portal... if I noticed something was wrong with him earlier... if I knew what was wrong with him..._

 _Maybe if I saved Sensei..._

 _Maybe if I wasn't such a fearful leader, such a terrible brother, such a- a- failure..._

 _...We'd all be okay._

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry if this chapter seems really drawn out or boring! But I felt some explanations needed to be given. I think things will get more interesting next chapter! Still planning out the rest of the story so I'm not entirely sure where it'll go, but we'll see! :)**

 **Gimme some feedback! :D (Please?)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey everyone! I know it's been forever. I blame school and a bunch of other complications because of that. But I'm back from my hiatus (at least for now), so here's another chapter! :)**

 **An apology in advance if this isn't as good as my previous writing. I haven't written fanfiction in a long while... But no flames, please. I tried. I hope it's okay.**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

After a tour of the this new lair with "the best tour guide - and best _mutant turtle!_ \- to ever exist", also known as the Mikey of this dimension, and our story of how we got here (we claimed that Mikey accidentally slipped into the portal, and if our counterparts suspected that was a lie, they didn't show it), my double showed us the guest room where the four of us would sleep during our stay here before slipping away to give us some privacy.

Mikey owes Raph, Donnie, and I a huge explanation. But before we can ask him anything, he flops down onto the bed with a tired "Good night, bros!" before immediately falling asleep, his loud snores filling the room.

His words from just a couple days ago repeat in my head: _You're not the only one who hides behind a mask, and I don't mean your cool blue one._

 _You're not the only one who hides behind a mask._

I know everyone has something they're hiding. Maybe a secret, maybe a fear, whatever it is. But Mikey isn't the kind to hide things. He's a terrible liar, terrible at acting like nothing's wrong. So if he is hiding something' we'd already know about it. Right?

But then why do I feel like he _is_ hiding something? Why did he run off into the portal without telling us? Or waiting for us? Why is he being so... distant? Mikey was never like this before, was he?

 _You don't even know what's happening to your brother. You're such a failure._

No. Not that voice again...

I can't listen to it. Not right now. I need to focus on our current situation right now: getting out of here, and finding out what Mikey's hiding.

"Fearless?"

Raph's voice snaps me out of my thoughts. "Yeah?" I reply, turning to my immediate younger brother. I can feel the dark voice in my mind threatening to slip through the cracks of the barrier I'm trying to build around it - _You're not fearless, you're fearful, you're a failure_ \- but I push them away. Not now. Not. Now.

"What's the plan?"

I glance over at Mikey, snoozing away on the bed. "Take some rest," I say. "We can explore this world for a bit tomorrow, but we should be home after that."

Donnie's disappointed. "So we're only going to be here for 24 hours? That's not enough time for me to find and learn how to use the cool tech they probably have here!"

I turn to him. "Sorry, Donnie, but we can't risk it. Anything could happen in our world, and we have to be prepared."

I wait for a complaint from either brother, but surprisingly, none comes. "Take some rest," I tell them. "It's been a long day."

Donnie and Raph both exchange glances before looking back at me. "You should relax, too, Fearless," Raph says.

"You've been worrying too much, and we can see it's not doing anything good for your mental health," adds Donnie.

 _You can't show them your weaknesses. That they're right. That you're still struggling, no matter what kind of strong, courageous, fearless-leader facade you put on._

I slap on a fake, reassuring smile. "Don't worry, I will. Just have to use the bathroom first."

Whether they believe me or not, I slip out of the room. I walk to the bathroom, lock the door behind me, and stare at my reflection.

I look tired. Exhausted. Worn-out. There are dark, almost-black circles under my eyes. My sapphire blue eyes, which look like they are done with this world.

 _Because they are._

I wish I could be a better leader. I honestly do. I wish Mikey would tell me what he meant, what he's hiding behind that mask of his, because I know something's up. But I don't know if he'll tell me.

I guess if I'm not telling anyone what's bothering me, why would he tell anyone what's bothering him?

 _Hiding it hurts, bro. It_ hurts.

He sounded like he spoke from experience.

 _Fearless?_

I'm not fearless, Raph. I'm so fearful.

I'm scared for Raph. For Donnie.

For Mikey.

For me.

 _I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Pretending like everything's okay. Like I'm fine. Like everything's fine._

 _Because it's not._

 _Everything's terrible and I'm just standing here, wishing I could be brave, wishing I could be the perfect leader, wishing I could be okay, that everything could be okay, but it's not, and I don't know if it will ever be, if anything will ever be the same again, if anything will ever be okay again._

And before I know it, the tears I've been holding back since we've come to this new dimension come spilling out, bursting out of my eye sockets and streaming down my cheeks. I do nothing to stop them. I'm a failure. I'm weak. But I don't know how to be strong again, if I c _an_ be strong again. All my brothers expect me to be the perfect leader, but I'm not.

I'm the exact opposite.

 _Knock! Knock!_

I quickly wipe the tears from my eyes. "Just-" my voice cracks. "Just a minute."

I look at myself in the mirror again. My eyes are red, my face tear-stained.

I should care. But I don't have it in me to care right now.

I sigh heavily, all the little strength I had before drained out of me. Quickly wash my face, dry it with the soft gray hand towel. Take a deep breath. Remind myself (not very convincingly) that I can do this.

Then I walk out the door, the other Leonardo waiting patiently.

He looks me over. I don't like it. I feel like a bug being examined under a microscope.

I try to give him that fake reassuring smile I gave Raph and Donnie maybe ten minutes ago. The "I'm-totally-okay, don't-worry-about-me, everything's-fine" smile. But I can tell by his frown that he can see right through it.

"Do you want to talk?" he asks gently. "You sound like you could use it."

I don't want to talk. I really don't.

But I know I need to.

I give a little sigh, answer with a quiet, "Yes."

* * *

 **A/N: I know much didn't happen here. I'm still trying to get back at my writing. But it wasn't too terrible... right?**

 **I feel like 2003 Leo could give 2012 Leo some good tips. Maybe they can help each other out, now. Though Mikey still has his problems...**

 **I can't promise an update soon, but I'll try my best!**

 **Reviews are always welcome. :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Alright, the chapter we've all been waiting for... the Leo and Leo conversation!**

 **Before I start, I just want to say, thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I really appreciate your support and how no one threw flames for me not updating for months. It really inspired me to write more! :)**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

"Tea?" Leonardo offers as he guides me into the kitchen.

I nod, and soon, the soothing smell of jasmine tea fills my nostrils. It brings back memories of those late night conversations I'd have with Master Splinter sometimes, back in those good old days.

I wish I could go back to those days. When things weren't so much of a mess, so messed up...

"Here." Leonardo hands me a warm mug of steaming tea, which I gratefully accept. "Let's go to my room. It's more private," Leonardo says, and I follow him to his abode.

His room isn't too big, but not too small, either. It's neat and clean, with a lingering smell of incense. He lets me sit on the futon while he himself sits in a spare chair in the corner.

I take a sip of tea, letting the warmth sooth my nerves. I'm not sure how to start, or what to say, or what's he going to say, or what he's going to think.

"What's troubling you?" he finally asks gently, his eyes, opaque and unreadable, boring into mine.

I look down into my mug as if it holds all the answers, as if it will tell me exactly what to say. But of course, it doesn't tell me anything.

I take a deep breath, glancing at Leonardo but quickly flicking my eyes away; I can't stare into his eyes. They're too examining, too observant.

"I- I don't know how to start," I say. I really don't. I don't know how to say my fears and feelings out loud. I don't know how to make them turn from just a figment of my mind to crystal clear reality.

"Whenever you're ready," Leonardo simply says. Like he has all the time in the world, which I don't think he does, but I'll believe it anyway.

"I just-" my voice catches. Leo sets down his mug on a bedside table, waiting patiently for me to go on. I take another look at his eyes. This time I can see the care and hint of worry filled in them. I look away; I still can't bring myself to meet his orbs of care.

Finally, I spit it out: "I'm not a good leader."

Leonardo hardly blinks. "Why do you think that?" he asks gently.

I stare down into my mug again. "My brothers think I'm so strong, so fearless, but the truth is... I'm not. I'm weak. I'm always scared. I'm afraid of failure, all the time. I'm always afraid of my family or friends getting hurt because of my mistakes. But I never failed, until... until..."

I can't say it.

I can't.

But Leonardo doesn't know. "Until what?" he prompts gently.

I stare into the golden-brown depths of my tea. "Until I did."

I can feel the tears filling up my eyes. I can't look at him. I can't.

But Leonardo still wants to know. "How?"

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. My voice cracks as I finally say the dreaded words out loud.

"I couldn't save Master Splinter from the Shredder."

Not for the first time today, and probably not for the last time either, tears fall down my cheeks, bathing me in salty wetness. Sensei was killed, Sensei is gone, all because of me, all because of _me_ , the weak, pathetic, fearful leader - no, not leader, _loser_ \- and my whole family is suffering because of my own mistake.

 _I deserve to die._

Warmth engulfs my body and I accept it. Leonardo's giving me a hug, a hug not as tight as Mikey's, or as gentle as Donnie's, or as rigid as Raph's rare ones, but a different one on its own, equally providing love and comfort and reassurance.

"Leo," Leonardo says softly as he finally lets go of me and forcing me to look into his eyes, those milky white opaque eyes, "did you do everything you could to save him?"

"I tried. I tried to reach him - I tried to stop it - but I couldn't," I whisper, looking away in shame.

"Hey. Look at me," he says, and I look at him, trying to blink away the new tears that are threatening to spill. "You tried. You did your best. There's nothing else you could have done. You did your part, your duties as a leader, and that's what matters most."

"But-"

"Listen," he interrupts. "I'm so sorry. I can't say I relate, but I know for a fact that you didn't fail. Failure is not making mistakes; failure is not being able to learn from them. To accept them and move on. Because we _all_ make mistakes, Leo. I make them. So do my brothers. And I'm sure even our Senseis have, believe it or not. It's the ability to accept them and learn from them what truly allows us to succeed."

Even amongst the sadness, the seriousness of this situation, I find myself smiling. "You sound like my Sensei."

Leonardo smiles, too. "So I've been told."

"By Raph?"

Leo laughs. "Who else?"

A moment of laughter, a couple sips of tea to quiet us, before I remember the topic at hand. "Thank you for listening to me. But there's still more."

"Go on," Leonardo says, putting on that unreadable expression on his face once more.

"Sometimes, I- the thoughts - they get so bad and dark, that I think about..."

I stop. Do I really want to tell him? Do I really want to say it out loud?

"You think about what?" Leo prompts me gently.

I need to say it. But I don't want to.

But I need to.

I look down. Another deep breath. "I think about ending it all."

There.

I've said it.

The thing I'm not sure I actually want anyone to know.

I hold my breath. I don't look up. I don't want to see his expression, to see what he's thinking.

"You know your brothers care about you, right?" he says softly, looking me in the eye.

"I- Yeah. They care about me so much. I don't deserve it." I feel the tears in my eyes again. I think they're actually going to fall, sooner than later.

"You _do_ deserve it. You want to know why?"

"Why?" I ask curiously.

"Maybe I don't know you as well as they know you, but I _do_ know you're a great leader. An _awesome_ leader. I know you care about them. I know you'd do anything for them, for their lives, for their happiness. I know you'd sacrifice anything for them. I know you're one of the best creatures there are out there, better than most humans for sure, and I know so many people feel indebted to you for saving them, for saving their lives. You've made such a huge positive impact on the world, Leo. If anything, you _deserve_ to live. And not only that, you deserve to live a happy, wonderful life."

I don't say anything for a moment. I repeat his words in my head: _You're a great leader. An awesome leader. I know you care about them. I know you're one of the best creatures there are out there. You deserve to live. You deserve to live a happy, wonderful life._

"Thank you, Leo," I whisper. Then: "Do you ever feel like that, too?"

Leonardo shifts slightly. "I- Sometimes. Meditation and talking to Sensei usually help, and they've lessened in the past few months." He eyes me, probably noticing the tension in my shoulders, and says, "It gets better. I promise. You just have to power through it. It's not always easy, but you can do it. I know you will."

I exhale softly. "Okay."

Leonardo takes a sip of tea, and I do the same. Anything to help calm me down. "Anything else on your mind?" he asks.

I sigh. I wish it was a no, but it isn't. "Yes."

Leo sets down his mug for the third time and turns his attention towards me. "Go ahead."

"It's Mikey," I say. "He's been acting kind of... distant... lately. He's hiding something, but I'm not sure what. I think he's hurting, but he doesn't want to admit it. He just walks around with that smile of his painted on his face, but it's not real. I worry about him."

Leonardo nods. "Oh, our Mikey is like that too sometimes. I think both our Mikeys feel pressured to be happy and cheerful all the time, because that's what we expect them to be, but the truth is, they aren't always happy. They suffer and feel pain too, sometimes, but they hate to admit it, so they just keep it in until it eats them away. It's not good at all," Leo says, shaking his head. "Talking to someone always helps. I think your Mikey just needs someone to talk to, and maybe our Mikey is what he needs. It could go the other way around, too."

"I never thought about it that way," I admit, guilt seeping its way to my heart again. _How could I not notice that Mikey is hurting? Why didn't he ever tell me anything?_

"It's not your fault," Leo says, as if reading my mind. _He's probably felt the same way, too._ "Things like this just happen. There's nothing we can do to stop them, or prevent them, no matter how hard we try. We just have to deal with them to the best of our ability."

I close my eyes and take another deep breath. "Okay."

I open my eyes to Leo looking at me, his eyes still filled with concern. "Thank you so much. I- I really needed that."

Leo gives me a small smile. "No problem. Now, why don't you get some sleep? I'm sure that will help a lot."

"Good idea," I say. "Good night, Leo."

" _Oyasumi nasai_ , Leo."

* * *

 **A/N: So 2012 Leo finally talked to someone. That's progress! But that doesn't mean things will get better immediately... things like that take time.**

 **I hope that conversation wasn't too drawn out. I just felt it was important to write it all out. Talking about depression and suicide is not easy (although it is important in order to get help), and I tried to capture that in this chapter.**

 **Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey! I'm back! Sorry for taking so long to update, life has gotten exponentially busy/stressful, and writer's block hits me sometimes. But I'm here again!**

 **I need to say, thank you all SO much for your kind reviews last chapter. They really, really inspire me to keep writing. I appreciate you guys so much. :D**

 **Now, on to the next chap!**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

I lie on a sleeping bag on the floor with Raph and Donnie to my right, Mikey on the bed to the left (there was only one bed, and of course, _he_ was the one who called dibs on it first). The darkened room is filled with the Donnie's quiet breaths, Raph's snores, and Mikey's even louder snores.

My heart is still racing. My mind is still whirling. I can't stop thinking.

I just admitted my darkest secrets to my counterpart. Granted, he knows me well. After all, he's _me_ , in a sense. Maybe not exactly like me, but he knows what I'm going through. And he knew how to help.

I needed that help.

I remember one time a little while back when Donnie had been researching mental illnesses and disorders and how to treat them. He said we needed to know about them in case something ever happened to one of us during a mission or if the mutagen in us has been slowly affecting our mentalities. Or if we came across a victim or enemy who had some kind of illness, we'd know how to deal with them, carefully and calmly.

Up came depression and suicide. Topics we had to know about in case we came across someone who was trying to harm themselves.

Donnie said that when someone ever felt that down, the best way to help them would be to talk to them first. Calmly. Gently. Telling them they were strong, that they could go on. That they could get through this, just like they had gotten through every other moment of their life.

Turns out Donnie was right. Leonardo's words still echo in my head: _You're a great leader. An awesome leader. I know you care about them. I know you're one of the best creatures there are out there. You deserve to live. You deserve to live a happy, wonderful life._

I want to cry. Not because of the hurt. The hurt, thankfully, has lessened a lot ever since my talk with Leo. But his the kindness in his words, the care in his eyes... if anyone, he wants me to go on. He wants me to feel better.

He wants me to feel _happy_ , and realize I have a life worth living.

I look at my brothers sleeping soundly and peacefully. I love them. I would do _anything_ to protect them. They could go on without me, I know, but at the same time, they _do c_ are about me. I know it from their reminders that they're here for me, from the love and concern they've always showed me. Even though we fight sometimes, we still love and care for each other. And they would be so terribly grief-stricken if I was gone. I know they would.

I snuggle deeper into my sleeping bag and close my eyes. It's been a long day, my brothers are safe, and I feel okay. I think it's okay to take some rest.

* * *

When I wake up, my find feels a bit hazy and my body is a bit sluggish. That means I've slept deeply, an extremely rare occurrence. Talking with Leonardo must have helped a _lot_ for me to sleep that deeply.

I survey the room to ensure that everything's alright. I'm alone. The bed in the left corner is empty, but also messy. But that's to be expected; Mikey almost never makes his bed. At least Donnie and Raph had the decency to roll up their sleeping bags and stow them neatly in the corner.

I rub the last bits of sleepiness from my eyes and store my sleeping bag next to the other two. I quietly leave the room and freshen up in the bathroom before heading down to the kitchen for breakfast.

On a long wooden table are huge platters of buttery pancakes, garden omelettes, carefully cut sticks of French toast, crispy hash browns... the list could go on and on. My mouth waters just at the sight of it all, and even more when I smell the delicious goodness.

" _Ohayō gozaimasu_ , Leo," Leonardo says, gesturing for me to take a seat. "We were just about to start."

"Good morning," I say, smiling as I sit in the empty chair next to him. For once, my smile feels genuine. It's a good feeling.

Everyone starts filling up their plates with the variety of food. But then I notice something. My youngest brother isn't here. And neither is this dimension's Michelangelo.

The smile falls off my face.

I scan the table desperately, wondering where they could be. They both must have cooked breakfast together. And they must - at least, Mikey does - love eating food even more than cooking it.

Leonardo must sense my distress. "Leo? What's worrying you?"

"Where are the Mikeys?" I ask, trying to hide the worry in my voice as best as I can.

"They already ate. They're in the sewer tunnels, just hanging out. Don't worry, they're safe," Leo assures me.

I'm still worried. "But Mikey's new to this world and doesn't know his way around. And two Mikeys together is probably never a good thing. What if they get in trouble?"

"We'll get them after breakfast," Leo assures me again. "Relax, Leo. You _need_ a break. Okay?"

"Okay," I say reluctantly. I know Leonardo is trustworthy, but Mikey was already in a bad state to begin with, when we first came here. How would I know if he's feeling better? Especially since he's been so mysteriously distant from Donnie, Raph, and I lately...

I try to eat slowly, trying to savor each bite of this delicious meal, but I can't. I'm worried.

I have to go after them and make sure they're okay.

* * *

 **A/N: Kind of short and uneventful, I know. But I felt like writing, and whatever came out, came out. I'm planning for more to happen next chapter, though. We'll see.**

 **So what do you guys think? Is Leo just being a worrywart, or does he have a good reason to be concerned...?**

 **Reviews are greatly appreciated. :D**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hey fellow Fanfictioners! Guess who's back with another chapter? And guess what, it's action-packed!**

 **Gonna be honest... I know I haven't been on top of my updates lately, and I'm sorry. I wish I could update more frequently than once in a month, but life/school/writer's block/everything else won't let me. But all the extremely kind reviews keep me going, and I hope you guys I know that I truly appreciate them. :)**

 **Now, onto the new chap!**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

The fact that both Mikeys are still gone even after we've finished breakfast doesn't help lessen my worry. My unanswered calls to my youngest brother and Leonardo's unanswered calls to his Mikey doesn't help either.

I glance over at Leonardo, who's looking at his T-Phone (oh wait, they call their phones _Shell Cells_ ) with concern. But the concern is immediately replaced with a mask of bravery. The kind of facade I always put on when I'm worried, but can't let others know.

"Let's check the sewers," he says, turning to me. "We can track their phones down. Hopefully, they didn't drop them or anything."

I nod, too worried to speak.

The tiny voice that has been hiding the past few hours comes back. _You should've watched out for Mikey. What if he got hurt? Or captured? What if he's in the hands of the Shredder, about to die?_

I shake my head. No. Not now. I can't afford to lose it with my brother possibly missing or hurt. He needs me to be strong.

Leonardo and I have to take several twists and turns till we reach the location of the Mikeys' phone signals. They travelled far, but I guess that's not very surprising when you think about how fast they are. That incredible speed must be from all the experience they have from the running away from angry Raphaels. I know my Mikey does, at least.

We've reached a calm spot, perhaps a no longer needed part of the sewer that the city workers were too lazy to get rid of. There's a pool of surprisingly almost-clear water here, surrounded by defunct pipes that occasionally drip infinitesimal drops of water. Otherwise, this sheltered lagoon is silent.

Wait... it's _not_ silent.

There's a soft, distant sniffle. I'm surprised I didn't hear it before.

Wordlessly, Leo leads me to the corner of this quiet haven, where, behind a crumbling column sit Mikey and his counterpart. It looks like the other Michelangelo was comforting him... _but why?_

 _What's going on?_

My heart is pounding. My hands start to tremble, but I quickly regain my composure. I was right to be worried, but I'm not going to show it. Not yet. I need to find out what, exactly, is going on.

"Mikey-" I start, then stop.

My little brother nearly jumps. He wipes his eyes, taking down his previously miserable expression and gives me a watery smile. "H-hey, Leo!"

Leo's words from our talk just a night ago return to my mind. _I think both our Mikeys feel pressured to be happy and cheerful all the time, because that's what we expect them to be, but the truth is, they aren't always happy._ _They suffer and feel pain too, sometimes, but they hate to admit it, so they just keep it in until it eats them away._

And then I realize it. _Fully_ comprehend it. It hits me like a massive brick has been chucked at my head.

Mikey had been hurting - and probably _still_ hurting. A _lot._ Probably even more than I could imagine. And because he's supposed to be the always-happy, never- _ever_ -sad goofball of the family, he never told any of us. He never told me. Or Donnie. Or Raph. So he kept it to himself, until he couldn't bear it more longer.

Then he went to the one person who he knew would understand him the most: the other Mikey.

 _And none of us even knew..._

 _...or tried to help..._

"Mikey," I say, but it comes out as a whisper, soft and sad, floating in the air almost soundlessly, like a feather.

I can see the recognition in Mikey's eyes, baby blue mixed with rivulets of red from the who-knows-how-long crying jag he must have had earlier.

"Leo," he whispers. "It's not your fault."

He knows I figured it all out. _He knows I know and he knows I-_

I can't.

I can't.

 _I can't._

And suddenly, the thoughts I had been restraining, the thoughts I thought I had under control, come bursting out of their chains.

 _He's hurting and it's all YOUR fault._

I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head, but it's hopeless.

 _You didn't make sure he was okay._ _You didn't make sure his smiles were genuine. That when he said he was okay, he was actually okay. That when he said he was sick, he wasn't losing to his own demons._

 _You didn't help him, and now he has to pay the price._

No.

No.

 _Shut up,_ I beg to the malicious voice inside my head. But it only relentlessly continues its venomous diatribe.

A tear slides down my cheek, leaving behind a trail of salty wetness, but I barely notice.

Mikey's in so much pain right now, and it's all my fault. Because I wasn't the caring, loving, protective older brother like I should have been.

 _You're supposed to take care of them. You're supposed to be the one they look up to, the one they turn to for help._

 _But they didn't. You want to know why?_

"No," I whisper, but the voice tells me anyway.

 _Because you're a failure. A cowardly, fearful, selfish failure._

"Leo!"

Someone's shaking me, telling me to calm down, to sit down, to breathe, but I can't, I can't, I can't.

My body breaks free of their control, and I run. My legs fly like they have a mind of their own, and I sprint out of this secret hideout, out of the tunnel, out of the sewers. I wish I could run out of my misery, too, but I can't.

Before I know it, I'm topside, climbing up buildings, running across rooftops as if I'm racing my brothers, but I'm not. Only when I realize that it's daylight do I stop and crouch behind a bulkhead on the rooftop.

I suddenly feel exhausted, like I've just been fighting an army of Elite Footbots. I collapse to the ground (or the roof, I guess), burying my head in my knees, finally letting the tears escape freely.

Leonardo's wrong.

I'm not a great leader or brother or creature.

I'm just a failure.

A worthless, pathetic piece of crap who doesn't even deserve to be here.

 _So what am I even doing here?_

 _I deserve to die._

* * *

 **A/N: Poor Leo, going through a relapse... :( But things don't get better just like that, unfortunately. (Although I wish they did...)**

 **Reviews always make my day!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Quick note... thank you so much everyone (again) for the super kind reviews, and for not throwing flames at my slow updates. I appreciate the support so much. :)**

 **Also - if you find yourself relating with Leo's thoughts, please talk to someone, whether that be a friend, family member, teacher, or someone else. Having those thoughts isn't fun at all and shouldn't be taken lightly.**

 **And quick warning: references to suicide. Please be careful when reading this chapter if that might be a trigger for you.**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

 _I deserve to die._

My heart rate quickens. This isn't right. I shouldn't be thinking this. I _can't_ be thinking this.

But I'm still thinking it.

 _I deserve to die._

I lift my head. Wipe my eyes as I'm blinded by the sudden stream of sunlight. Stand up slowly, picking myself up as best as I can, though I'm sure there are still broken pieces of me out there.

As if they have a mind of their own, my feet find their way to the edge of the rooftop.

 _You're such a failure._

 _Your little brother was hurting. Hurting a LOT, and you didn't even know.  
_

 _If Mikey was hurting that much, imagine how much your other brothers are hurting. And you wouldn't even know._

 _You, the older brother, the so-called "protector," "fearless leader," "BROTHER," and you wouldn't even know._

 _What kind of a brother are you?_

 _You're just a pathetic, fearful, cowardly, worthless_ _FAILURE._

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to crush the pain to smithereens, but I fail and the tears leak out.

 _I can't._

 _I can't do this anymore._

With a shuddering breath, I open my eyes and look down.

The late afternoon New York City streets are littered with cars, cars everywhere, cars stuck in the never-ending traffic. There are also little moving specks - humans. Some scurrying from place to place, others taking their sweet time as they navigate the crowded roads. None of them bother to look up in case there's a certain teenage mutant ninja turtle on a rooftop.

For a few seconds, minutes, hours - shell, who knows how long I've been out here? - I look down at the dizzying scene. I look down until a nauseating wave of vertigo overcomes me. I've never 100% gotten over my childhood fear of heights.

I stagger backwards from the edge, realization hitting me like a brick.

 _What am I doing here?_

It's _daytime_. I _can't_ be out here. Especially not in this universe, which I've barely gotten to know. I need to go back to the lair, to my brothers...

 _My brothers._

 _Donnie._

 _Raph._

 _Mikey._

 _Mikey._

Just thinking about him, the vacant, broken look in his eyes, makes my heart shatter. I've failed him, I've failed Donnie, I've failed Raph, I've failed Master Splinter...

I've failed the people I love the most so many times. What's the point in going back if I'm just going to fail them all even more?

I just want to end it all.

Because if I stay here, I'm not going to be doing any good. I'm just going to fail, fail, fail every day. Just like I've been doing for the past year, ever since I became leader. Or maybe even before that. Who knows any more?

A muscled yet somehow soft three-fingered hand on my shoulder makes me almost jump, but I try not to show any signs of surprise. I don't have to turn around to know who it is, but I do anyway to face him.

"Raph," I say, willing myself to sound strong, but the word comes out in a weak, wavering croak. I avert my gaze, unable to look into his blazing emerald eyes. I'm suddenly aware of the salty tears still flowing down my cheeks and the little distance between me and the edge of the roof.

Raph gently (yes, believe it or not, my hotheaded brother _can_ be gentle) guides me away from the edge "What's going on, Leo?" he whispers.

 _Breathe. Breathe. Breathe._

I try to stand confidently. I try not to break.

 _I can't do this anymore._

The dam bursts open and the tears come crashing down, more fiercely than a waterfall. My knees buckle under me, my body sinking down to the rooftop once again.

Wordlessly, Raph descends next to me and wraps his arms around me tightly. I fall into the embrace, too broken to be surprised, letting his warmth and love flow into me while the tears still fall, dripping onto his plastron, but he doesn't move.

 _I can't._

"I can't do this anymore." My voice cracks as I say it. I would normally close my eyes in shame for breaking so easily, but I have none left. I'm just empty now, like a sad deflated balloon, a dried-up water puddle.

"Yes, you can," Raph whispers. "You've been doing it for so long. And you've been doing _awesome,_ Fearless."

I pull away from him. "I'm not fearless, Raph. I'm nothing but a _failure_." Raph's eyes widen in shock, but he doesn't say anything. "I failed Mikey. I had no idea what was going on with him, but I should have known. I failed him and you and Donnie and- and-"

 _...and Sensei._

I can't say his name out loud. I failed him so, _so_ badly. And I can never make it up to him. Or anyone else.

The shock dissipates from Raph's eyes, now replaced by concern. He grips my shoulder tight and looks me right in the eye. "You are _not_ a failure, Leo. You never were and never will be. In fact, you've been nothing but the _best_."

I shake my head wildly. "No."

"YES!" Raph yells in frustration. But then he catches himself. Despite being broken and empty, I feel a flicker of a smile - he's controlling his anger.

"You are the _BEST_ leader ever, Leo. And the _BEST_ older brother ever. No one would ever be able to replace you. Just like how no one can replace Sensei." He's looking into my eyes again, those gleaming green eyes that only he has.

His expression and voice soften. "We need you, Leo. And we love you. We wish you could see how much you mean to us, and how much of an amazing brother, a Fearless Leader, you are to us. To Mike. To Donnie. To _me."_

"I just wish it would stop, Raph," I mumble, my gaze dropping. "It hurts _so_ much."

His face falls. "I know," he whispers. "I know. But we _can_ do it, Leo. You can and _will_ get through this. It's just gonna take some time. And some help. So _you_ ," he jabs his finger at me, "better accept it."

I have no strength in left to me to say anything, least of all keep going on, but somehow I managed a meak "Okay."

"Now let's go back to the lair so you can relax."

I nod numbly.

Raph lifts me to my feet and leads me away from the rooftop, away from the edge I almost jumped down from.

I trudge after him. Every step feels like an impossible challenge, but I still have to get through it.

I'm just not so sure how to do this.

Or if I _can_ do this.

* * *

 **A/N: Whew, that was intense... and heartbreaking. But at least Leo's still here, right?**

 **I always appreciate reviews and feedback! :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Can I just say, thank you SO MUCH for the super kind reviews?! Seriously. They make my day/week/month. You guys are awesome! :D**

 **And yeah, it took me a while to write this, I know. School's been super busy, but also, writing about this dark stuff is hard, brings me back to times that are hard to think about, so I can only write when I feel strong enough. But you guys are super understanding and patient, so thanks for that.**

 **Now, let's continue on with the story!**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

I really don't want to go back to the lair.

I really, really, _really_ don't want to.

I don't want to face them. I know that my brothers (and shell, even our counterparts) are great and that they'll try to be understanding... but that's the thing. I don't want understanding. I don't want to talk. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in my turtle shell, away from them, away from the world away from the darkness. I want it all, all the pain, emotions, thoughts, to go away.

But who knows if they ever will?

"We're here, Fearless," Raph says softly, and I try not to cringe at the nickname. I look up and suddenly we're in the lair, the very place I don't want to be in, but it's too late to go back now. Not that anyone will probably let me out of their sight now, anyway.

They're all waiting, right as we walk in: both Mikeys and Donnies, Leonardo, Raphael. They offer me sad smiles, except for Mikey who looks dejected, which breaks my heart. I look down. I can't look at them, I can't, I can't.

Raph notices my discomfort and steers me past them, guiding me to the guest room. "Take it easy, brother," he says, before leaving me alone.

I have no energy to do otherwise. I crawl into the bed, trying to snuggle as best as I can under the fuzzy faded blue blanket, before falling asleep.

* * *

 _"...wake him up? It's been twelve hours..."_

 _"...rest, he needs it..."_

 _"...sure?"_

Voices fading in and out. I open my eyes and immediately close them; the light's on and it's blinding. Then I feel someone hovering over me and slowly open them again.

It's Raph, and behind him stand Donnie and Mikey. They all look concerned, and any other time, I'd wave their concern away. Not this time, though. I still feel exhausted, and not just physically.

"Let me look him over, Raph," Donnie says, and Raph steps aside to let the doctor do his work. Crouching over me, Donnie sticks a thermometer in my mouth and takes my temperature and vitals, using some of his counterpart's medical instruments, I assume.

"I'm not sick, you know," I mutter. My voice sounds hollow. Empty. _Just like how I feel inside._

"I know," Donnie says. "I'm just making sure."

Behind him, Mikey shifts on his feet uncertainly while Raph stands still with his arms crossed. "And? Is he okay?"

Donnie stows away the thermometer and other medical tools and straightens. "Physically? Yes." He glances back at me. "How do you feel mentally, Leo?"

I look up at the question. They're are all looking at me expectantly, hopefully. Too hopefully.

I know what they want. They want me to say _I'm fine, I'm doing great, don't worry about me, it's okay._ But just _thinking_ about lying makes me feel exhausted. Not that I was ever a good liar anyhow.

So I tell them, "Tired."

Sadness crashes over their faces and it shatters my heart. _Again._

I want to be okay. I _really_ do.

But I'm not, and I don't know if I'll ever be.

Donnie finally breaks the overwhelming silence after my statement. "Leonardo wants to talk to when you're ready."

 _Another_ talk? I barely had the energy to say anything to my brothers. I wonder how I'll be able to have a full-on conversation.

One by one, my brothers file out the door. First Donnie, who gathers up the tools and medical bag, promising to check up on me again later. Then Raph, who says he's always here for me, who seems like he's trying not to break by staying strong, but I know even my strongest brother breaks sometimes, too. Then Mikey, who whispers, "I'm sorry, Leo. I love you," before despondently trudging out the room.

Tears prick my eyes, but then they escape, trailing down my cheeks in streams. I don't deserve my brothers' support, their companionship, their love. I don't deserve any of it. Not when I'm such a failure. Such a _loathsome_ , _despicable_ failure.

Sometime later, someone slowly enters the room without knocking, and walks with careful, measured steps to my bed. I don't bother to wipe my tears as I slightly sit up so I can look and identify the intruder.

 _Oh._ It's Leonardo.

"I was waiting for you," he's saying. "I thought you'd come at least an hour after you woke up. But it's been three hours, Leo. And you slept for twelve before that." He looks at me, into my eyes. "I know it's hard, but just staying in bed isn't going to help."

I didn't _want_ to talk to anyone, not when things are so messed up. But the words just start pouring out of my mouth in a rush, like a gushing waterfall.

"It's easier to stay in bed than get up," I tell him. I can't bring myself to look at him, so I stare at the faded blue, almost gray, blanket covering me up instead. "It's too hard to fight the thoughts. Especially when they're right. What kind of brother, especially _oldest_ brother, the _leader,_ doesn't know what's going on with his own family?" My eyes sting with fresh tears, but I don't care if they fall.

And they do.

He moves closer, sits on the bed next to me."Hey," he whispers, gently. "It's okay, Leo. No one is perfect. I know that being the leader comes with so much responsibility, and it seems like we have to be perfect, but the reality is, it's impossible. It's impossible to be perfect. It's impossible to know exactly how everyone is doing. Or how everyone is feeling. And when one of your brothers is hiding something significant like that, it's hard. I know. Really, Leo, I _know,_ I've been there."

The tears stop for a moment as he catches my attention. He's telling the truth, I can see it in his eyes. He's a leader too. He _does_ know.

He continues, "But just because you don't know everything, or just because you're not perfect, doesn't mean you're a bad leader, or fearful, or a failure, Leo. Because you _aren't._ In fact, it just makes you a better leader, because even though things aren't perfect, you're still striving through it all. You're still willing to help your brothers and do _anything_ for them. I know you are. And _that's_ the most important part of being a leader, Leo."

He scoots closer to me, wrapping his arms around me, in a brotherly embrace. Tears are still flowing down my cheeks, but he whispers, "It's going to be okay."

"A-are you sure?" I stutter, my voice cracking.

"Yes," he responds firmly.

When the tears have finally decided to stop flowing, he lets me go. "You're going to get through this, Leo. Just take it one day at a time. We all want you to get better, and we all know you _will_. And we all know, that even if your brain tells you otherwise, you're an _amazing_ leader."

I nod. " _Arigato,_ Leonardo," I murmur.

"Anytime, Leo," he says. "If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Even when you go back to your dimension, which doesn't have to be anytime soon, but remember, you can still contact me."

I nod again, and then he leaves me to freshen up before dinner.

I think he's right, about how I don't have to be perfect to be a good leader, that everything will get better. I just hope the darkness doesn't try to convince me otherwise. I don't know how many more times I can fight it.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm sorry if this seems super disorganized, I just don't know where I'm going with this all, and anyhow, recovery isn't exactly an easy, quick snap-of-the-fingers process. Unfortunately.**

 **Reviews and feedback are always appreciated. :)**

 **Also - I know I've said this before, but depression and suicidal thoughts may seem difficult to get through, but it's definitely possible to overcome. Please seek help and talk to someone if you've been having feelings and thoughts like Leo's. I myself know what it's like, but the good news is, it DOES get a heck of a lot better with time and help.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Heyyy! I know it's been a while, but real life has just been chaotic and writer's block decided to sneak up on me. But thank you guys for being so patient and for all the awesome reviews. I know I say it every time, but I also mean it every time. :)**

 **Okay, now onto the chapter! I've been meaning to write this upcoming conversation for a long time now, and it did make _me_ tear up myself, so... sorry in advance?**

 **I don't own TMNT (or the song I put in here).**

* * *

It's after dinner and I'm lying in bed, the supposedly soft fleece blanket tangled and scratchy around my legs. The guest room is dim and cold; I have no reason to turn on the lights. Why even bother with light when all you can see is darkness?

I don't remember much about dinner. I just remember being too drained to even eat or to pay attention to the quick glances passed at me and just picked at my food, even though Mikey's jalapeno-jelly bean pizza is supposedly so good, it's "to die for."

Ha.

Then I quickly excused myself from the table and trudged off to the guest room, probably concerning everyone, but whatever. How much more can I worry them, when I've worried them so much already?

So here I am, in bed, with my messed-up brain that's _still_ reminding myself of how many things I've done wrong, again.

I feel bad about not eating Mikey's food, when he put so much effort into it, probably - _especially_ \- to cheer me up. I feel bad about Mikey's crestfallen face, which he tried to hide, but failed.

And then there's everything else I feel bad for. For being a failure. A screw up. A terrible son. A terrible brother.

I feel bad about hiding everything I've been going through for _so_ long from my brothers.

But even more, I feel bad about showing my darkness all to them, dragging them into _my_ mess I'm supposed to fix on my own. Which, for the record, is not going very well, alone or not.

I bury my face in the scratchy blanket, try to push it all away, but they won't escape me. They just keep coming back. The feelings. The emotions. The thoughts. The hurt. The pain.

They're all _never_ going to leave me, no matter how hard I try. I'm always going to be sinking in the darkness, forever and ever and ever.

 _Creeeeaaak._

The door to the room is slowly sliding open, providing a cracking sliver of light into this dark room (which doesn't even compare to the darkness of my mind). I hear footsteps as a turtle enters the room, not too loudly, but not softly, either, yet with an added edge of care to them. _Mikey._

I lift my face and contort my face into a pained smile, the best I can give when all I want to do is huddle in a desolate corner filled with spider webs and misery and cry.

He doesn't say anything, and neither do I as he nears the bed. He plops down next to me and reveals a worn-out radio he's been holding in his hands. He pushes the ON button, and suddenly, words filled with so much meaning and truth ring out.

 _I want to hide the truth_  
 _I want to shelter you_  
 _But with the beast inside_  
 _There's nowhere we can hide_

 _No matter what we breed_  
 _We still are made of greed_  
 _This is my kingdom come_  
 _This is my kingdom come_

 _When you feel my heat  
_ _Look into my eyes  
_ _It's where my demons hide  
_ _It's where my demons hide_

 _Don't get too close  
_ _It's dark inside  
_ _It's where my demons hide  
_ _It's where my demons hide_

Salty tears are cascading down my cheeks as I _feel_ the pain of this mystical singer. I know what he means. I know _exactl_ y what he means.

"Don't you see, Leo?" Mikey whispers. "You're not alone, bro, and you're not- you're not-" his voice cracks.

Shaking, I wipe my tears and look up, and see I'm not the only one who's crying at this song.

"You're not the only one who feels that way," Mikey finishes, the tears spilling out of his eyes, sliding streakily down his cheeks, falling clumsily onto his plastron.

And then he's hugging me, squeezing me so tight, bringing me much-needed warmth and comfort, but I don't care. The tears are still falling, my heart is still breaking, the pain is still hurting, but none of that matters, not when my brothers are here to save me from my own darkness, my own demons.

We stay glued to each other for the entirety of the song, and when the tears have (mostly) ceased, Mikey slowly pulls away and looks me in the eye, his baby blue eyes filled with so much maturity and openness than I've ever seen before.

"It's not always easy being the one you're supposed to be, Leo," he says. "I'm supposed to be Dr. Prankenstein, right? The goofball. The _happy_ one. All. The. Time. Even when I'm not feeling it. Right?"

He stares at me with so much intensity, I have to look away. I'm not used to this from _anyone_ , least of all my little brother.

He continues. "And when I don't feel happy at all, when I'm sadder than our enemies when we beat the shell out of them, I'm not supposed to show it. I'm still supposed to be happy, still silly little Mikey. Right? Right? _Right?_ "

My eyes flick back towards him. My throat feels so dry. My eyes are starting to water, again. "Mikey-"

"You're not the only one who hides behind a mask, Leo," he whispers. Then it's his turn to look away as the tears build up in his eyes.

 _You're not the only one who hides behind a mask._ When did he say those words to me, before? Was it really just a few days ago? Because it feels like so much more.

How can so much happen in so little time?

How can so much _change_ in so little time?

 _You're not the only one who hides behind a mask._

Now I understand what my youngest brother means by such a seemingly simple, short sentence. He tries to _always_ be happy, just as I try to _always_ be fearless, perfect, anything but a failure. And when he can't be happy, he hides it all, just like me. Buries the pain away, masks himself with a masquerade of anything but the hurt he's feeling. He doesn't want anyone else to be hurt, he doesn't want anyone else to worry, he wants everyone else to think that he is okay, completely fine, because _their_ happiness matters more than his.

Just like me.

"Mikey-" I breathe, but I can't get any more words out.

He gets it, he gets it, _he really does get it._

He knows about this darkness that I'm trapped in. He knows how much it hurts, even if we hurt a little differently. He knows what I'm going through, and how it's breaking not just me, but all of us.

 _Don't get too close  
_ _It's dark inside  
_ _It's where my demons hide  
_ _It's where my demons hide_

I don't realize I'm crying again, or that he's hugging me again, or that he's crying again, too, until he lets go.

"I can help you, Leo," he's saying. "I know it's hard for you, bro, but it was hard for me too. At least you won't have to do it alone."

I stare at him, trying to understand that last sentence. Did _he_ deal with this alone? _How_ did he do that?

Maybe my little brother is much stronger than I - or any of my other brothers - ever thought.

Shakily, I wipe my eyes. Take a deep, shuddering breath. "Mikey- I- we- we're _both_ going to get through this together, okay? You are _never_ alone either, little brother."

He smiles a little, but I can see the sadness that still lies in his baby blue eyes. But maybe that's what he sees in my eyes, too.

"Okay," he finally mumbles. Then he turns back to me. "I love you, Leo. You're the best oldest brother anyone could ever ask for."

That makes me smile. "I love you too, Mikey. You're the best youngest brother-" I pause. "-and the best prankster, anyone could ever ask for."

"Really?"

I nod. "Of course."

He gives me one last bone-crushing hug before getting off the bed and turning to the door. But before he leaves, someone calls out, "Wait!"

It takes a second for my brain to realize, it's _me_ who said that.

Mikey spins around. "What, Leo? Do you need something? Do you need some more blankets?" He spins around again. "Hang on a sec, I'll go get you some-"

" _No_!"

Mikey freezes.

"No," I say, more calmly this time. "I- I was wondering, do you want to sleep here tonight? By me?"

He turns around, his face breaking out into a smile. A _genuine_ smile. " _Of course,_ Leo!" He climbs into bed next to me and almost immediately falls asleep, his warmth radiating out to me.

It doesn't matter that his bed is meant for one human being and is already a little small for mutant turtles to begin with. My mind finally feels at peace, with my brother next to me. I'm not alone. Maybe I'm stuck in this seemingly everlasting darkness, but at least I have my brother with me, to help me. To save me.

* * *

 **A/N: How was that? A happy-ish ending to a chapter, for once. I think we all needed that.**

 **I don't own "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. I remember when it was so popular a few years ago, but I hadn't heard it since until a couple days ago at work. I feel like I have a new appreciation for the song, though, now that I understand the lyrics a bit more.**

 **Anyway. Reviews and feedback are always welcome!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Ahhh it's been SO long, I'm so sorry! Life has been tough, and going through the same things I've been writing about doesn't make it easier. But I'm getting through it, so hopefully it will all be okay.**

 **But for now, sit back, relax, and enjoy your read! :D**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

 _Click._

Light spills into the room. It's Mikey, carrying a plate of pancakes and a glass of orange juice. "It's never too late for breakfast in bed!" he announces.

Sleepily, I rub my eyes and glance at the clock. 5:00 pm.

 _WHAT?!_ I _never_ sleep in. And _never_ this late, either...!

He sees what I'm looking at and understands. "You were out for a long time, bro. It was like Donnie drugged you or something!"

"Kinda feels like that, now that you mention it," I respond groggily.

Mikey sets down the plate and glass on the bedside table as I kick off the soft fleece blankets enveloping my body, and gives me a small shrug. "It's okay, Leo. It happens sometimes. Especially when your brain is tired."

I nod in understanding. The past few days have definitely been tiring, but it's nice to know I don't need to fake it anymore. It was hard to carry that burden on my shoulders, plus everything else.

"Eat up, bro! Then get ready for some fun with-"

"KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, MIKEY!"

We both nearly jump in surprise at hearing Raph's angry voice from the hallway. He enters the room, walking up to me and studies me for a second. "Go on, Mike," he says. Mikey pouts in sadness, but obeys.

Softly, Raph asks, "You feeling okay, Fearless?"

I close my eyes, making the light from the room transform into darkness under my eyes. I want to say yes, so badly. But I'm not sure. The negative thoughts are gone for now, but I'm afraid they'll come back. And I don't want them to.

I don't want them to take over me. I don't want to give up. But it's hard sometimes.

And I can't lie to Raph. I can't lie to my family. Not anymore.

Slowly, I open my eyes and glance at Raph. His blazing emerald-green eyes are too intense for me, and I drop my gaze. "I'm not sure."

I can feel Raph's expression drop the way my gaze dropped. The way my whole life has dropped, actually.

"It's okay," he whispers. "I- I know it's hard. But keep fighting. You gotta do it, Fearless. We all-" he stutters, and I look up. There they are, a couple of glistening tears in his eyes. "We all care about you."

I can feel my own wet tears in my eyes. "Okay."

"Eat up, okay? Then we've got some fun things to do. Maybe it'll cheer you up."

I nod and wait for him to leave. But he doesn't.

The tears are gone from his eyes, now replaced with his all-too-familiar stubbornness. "I'm not moving till you finish your plate, Fearless."

I sigh and roll my eyes, but I manage to eat two whole pancakes and down my glass of orange juice. That's an improvement from my pretty messed up eating habits.

"Ready?" he asks, and I nod.

We leave the room, then the lair, which is empty, to my confusion. Raph leads me topside.

I send him a puzzling glance.

"You'll see, Fearless," he says mysteriously. I don't question it. I guess we're going on an adventure. Maybe a run, to get some fresh air.

He climbs up a building and waits for me to catch to him.

"3, 2, 1, GO!" he shouts, and takes off.

A race. Of course.

I sprint after him, my steps matching his. My feet slap the smooth rooftops. My heart beats in perfect rhythm. The cool night air fills my lungs.

I've missed this.

My stamina isn't what it used to be, so I tire after a bit. I'm not even entirely sure how long it's been. But Raph is still a good twenty paces or so ahead of me.

I can beat him. I can do it. I just need to run a bit faster, for a few more seconds, then I'll reach him.

I gather the rest of my energy and speed ahead. Twenty paces shrinks to ten, five, two...

There!

I grab his shoulder, and we both slow down, only stopping once we reach the end of this rooftop.

Raph smiles, not even disappointed that he didn't win. "Good job, Fearless."

"You too."

He looks down, to the streets below. It's no different than our own dimension. A smattering of New Yorkers walking, talking, strolling everywhere. Cars driving east to west, north to south. Street lamps filling the darkness below with light.

It's only been a few days since the last time I was looking down at the streets below. Thinking about... about...

I squeeze my eyes shut. I don't want to think about that.

A whisper tickles my neck. "It's okay, Fearless."

Against my will, tears are spilling down my cheeks. It's the same voice that consoled me that night, too. He was there for me then, and here for me now. Here for me, always.

I wipe the tears and tell him what's bothering me: "I can't believe I thought about it, that night. I'd never do it, Raph. I'd never do it to you or Mike or Donnie or Splinter or April or Casey or anyone else. I can't believe I almost-"

"Shhh," he whispers. He draws me into his arms, and I embrace it, one of Raph's very rare hugs. "It's okay, Fearless. No one hates you for that. No one's disappointed in you for that. We're all glad you're still here. And we're all so frickin' proud of you for getting through it. Okay?"

I mumble, "Okay."

"LOUDER!"

As loud as I can, I yell, "OKAY!"

We both burst out laughing, and it feels so, so good.

We sit on the rooftop for the remainder of the night, the gentle night breeze brushing our skin, as we gaze up at the scintillating stars above us. Because, to quote Raph (who probably heard it from Donnie or something), it's better to look up, at what's to come, then down, at what's already transpired.

And I think he's right.

* * *

 **A/N: So, a happy ending to this chap! What do you think? Is it too cheesy? Too out of place? I'm okay with constructive criticism!**

 **More on depression: It's so hard. It really is. But it IS possible to overcome. I like to think of it this way: I have my bad days, but I have my good days. And the good days totally make up for the bad ones. So to all struggling - I know. It seems impossible. But there ARE better days to come. You can do it!**

 **Anyway. Thank you all for understanding my absence. Not entirely sure where the story will go on from here, but we'll see!**

 **Reviews are greatly appreciated. :)**


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